My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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