suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
