just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Every concussion has its silver lining
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
