I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
