The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
