Ambien. No doubt about it.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize