Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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