Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
