I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
