god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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