Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
