I got her a Nickelback box set.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
