you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
