I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
