I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Randomize