i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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