Sry I called you an 8
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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