it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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