I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
