my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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