I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
