"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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