Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
