I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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