I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
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