Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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