Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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