i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Randomize
