I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize