just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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