mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
