Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
