Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
