I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
