you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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