I'm really into asian looking animals
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize