woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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