Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
My sheets look like a crime scene.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize