Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize