just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
