Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
