I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
