At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
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