The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
