I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Randomize