mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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