I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
