So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
