Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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