Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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