the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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