Will you blow on my dice?
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
