i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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