Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
