Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
