I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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