There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
