I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize