I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
