She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
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