soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
being pregnant is like rehab
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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