ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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