I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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